In Shock

I had started my New Year off really well until I got a call from my ex-boyfriend and now every dear friend J. Some of you who have known me for a long time might have met him when we dated in high school. He was the boy from Boston and the very first love of my life. In college we discussed marriage and he wouldn't commit so I met Lane and that's the end of the story. But we always promised to be friends and count on each other a lot. He's helped me get through some tough times and vice versa.

Anyhow, he called me last night. We have been playing phone tag for months now trying to catch up and he finally caught up with me and then proceeded to tell me is sister, J (she also has a J name) had died last week in her sleep - the day after Christmas to be exact. She was 31, a year younger than me. J is 9 months older than me and we joke when his mom was giving birth to him, my mom was getting pregnant with me :) I'm still in a complete utter state of shock. I've know him and his family for more than 1/2 my life. I did crazy teenager things with him and his sister when we were all in high school. I can't believe this and couldn't stop thinking about it when I went to bed last night. They are having an autopsy done so I will eventually find out what her cause of death was but it's still so hard to believe and it will take a while to have it sink in. All I keep saying to myself is Holy Shit and No Way!

I offered to come to the memorial service - she is being cremated and J said no. I really wish I could be there for him - I want to be there for him, but I also cannot afford a $600 plane ticket right now. Actually I could get one for about $350 but that would require 2 layovers somewhere.

I can't even think anymore right now and don't have any way to wrap up this post really. It's the shock and disbelief.