Sadness

I spent the morning with Lisa and Briana. It was a nice break from the daily grind even though I had a million and one things to do today to get ready for our vacation and still have a lot of it to do. Plus, Lisa really wanted to see photos of our little girl who is waiting on the other side of the world. She thinks she's precious. I will NEVER forget her reaction. It just melted my heart that I have a great group of friends and family supporting Lane and me at this crazy time in our lives!

I have been reflecting even more over the past couple of days. A lot of that comes because I'm reading the book below. It's been on my bookshelf since sometime last year but as I was continually getting discouraged in our journey I tried to push China and anything Chinese out of my mind. Although I'm glad I have my friends who have brought their kids home (it's part of the only solace I had), it still touched a nerve and a feeling that there was no little girl that I was going to call my own.

Now my appetite for information on China and Chinese adoption has become voracious. It's a hunger than cannot be satisfied. I'm planning on going to my Net*flix account and adding the movie The.Last.Emperor to my queue. I remember watching it so many years ago but have forgotten so much of it. I've also thought about watching the Lisa.Ling/National.Geographic documentary on Chinese girls again.

Getting back on track...I have not been able to put the book down. A lot of the things that the author experiences are things that have really made me think. Things about myself but mostly things about my daughter.

Yesterday I experience a gigantic wave of sadness for Emilija. There's a part of the book where the author goes to visit the SWI (Social Welfare Institute). I can see clear as day in my mind what she is seeing in reality. Granted I've also seen photos that people have taken visiting SWI's and that has likely helped shape my vision.

The sadness came when I realized that Emilija has probably been left alone in a crib the majority of her life with not enough interaction with other human beings. Does she wonder how long she will lie there? Has she ever been comforted when she's cried? My gut tells me that yes she has but not often enough - that she's spent more time crying alone than being comforted. Does anyone sing to her or tell her stories? Does anyone promise her a life better than this?

In my sadness I also realized that shortly Emilija will be 14 months old and that my being is telling me that it was just any other day on the calendar. No one wishing her a Happy Birthday. No celebration. Maybe a relief that she survived her 1st year and did not die but nothing beyond that. Her 1st birthday will be the only one she'll spend alone.

I have already shed tears for her and I can guarantee that until she's in my arms I will shed more.

But she will be coming home to a family that loves her more than she knows and will love her always.