Reality (LONG)

This article was posted on the CHI China message boards. Let me tell you that we are definitely going into this with our eyes wide open and we do know about a lot of the info in this article. It really saddens me that so many adoptive parents walk into adoptions both domestic and international with their eyes closed. Since we've been there and done that, we know adoption is never easy and that we have to be open to every possibility. Eriks our 3 year old is currently a BIG handful to deal with and we've definitely been struggling. But from what we've been told by other parents of 3 year olds, his behavior is normal (sometimes I find it hard to believe).

I'm posting this for those who might think about international adoption in general so that they know the facts about institutional care/orphanages. I'm also posting this for all those out there that want to know exactly what we will endure and to be understanding if we have to shut out the world for awhile to bond with our daughter, to help her grieve and learn what it's like to be loved.

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I have been so saddened by this situation. I most definitely wish
there was a way to educate ALL adoptive parents about the truths of
institutional care, however I have come to realize in my daily work
that there are just as many parents who are not online reading
everything they can find on adoption as are.
There are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of parents out there who
have no idea what life is like for a child in an orphanage, and who
head overseas to pick up their "China doll" only to be handed a baby
who is unresponsive, thin, unable to eat..and on and on and on. While
adopting my son last month, I walked several times over to the White
Swan to talk to parents, and over and over I spoke with moms and dads
who had no clue whatsoever about the issues their kids were having. I
heard so many times things like, "she won't eat solid foods" (oral
aversion), "she has no muscle tone" (muscle atrophy from lying in a
crib all day), "she won't smile" (pure grieving from being taken from
her foster mom). I guess since I live China 24/7, I assume everyone
adopting does, too, which is not the case.
I talked to at least a dozen parents who didn't even know their
child's orphanage name, and while I gently said "you might want to
memorize that for your child's sake", at the same time I was trying
to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever
reading about post-institutional issues. It was sobering to me.
Babies in the NSN (non special needs) as well as the SN (special
needs) path can have issues with attachment, motor skills, emotional
issues and more. I think all of us on the WCC (Waiting Children
China) list acknowledge that, while also acknowledging that all
children (whether bio or not) can have these same issues. Living in
an orphanage of course increases the odds.
I think the easy out is to say that agencies have to do more, as well
as social workers, but I do think that most of them do try to give
information to the parents but often parents don't want to hear it or
else think it won't happen to them. Again, I am often surprised to
talk to parents leaving soon and to realize they are not prepared.
One family was adopting from our foster care program, and when I told
them that the child was DEEPLY attached to the mom, the father
said, "guess she might cry for an hour or so then?" An hour or so?
She had been in foster care for over a year! I tried to explain that
this little girl was about ready to lose everything she had ever
known, and that they should not expect her to be sunny, happy, and
full of personality after an hour. I told them to please remember the
72 hour rule.......that after 72 hours they would probably see her
spark, but that she would probably grieve for a long time after that
as well.
I think for many adoptive parents, they just don't want to read
the "bad stuff", and so I do think that ultimately it is the parents
who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves. There
certainly are books galore out there about post-institutional issues.
I equate this to when I was pregnant with my kids and I would
read "What to Expect When Expecting", and I would get to the C-
section part and always skip it. Each and every time I would jump to
the next chapter as "that wasn't going to happen to me". Well, on my
fifth baby, when they were rushing me in for an emergency C section,
I sure was wishing I had read that section earlier! But at that point
in the OR, while they were strapping my hands down to the table, it
was too late, and so I felt complete panic when I could have been
prepared. I think adoption from China is very similar to giving
birth...it is much more rosy to only read the happy stories on APC,
but I now encourage every family I meet to read the harder ones as
well, because if you are the family who is handed a child that is
limp and listless and who looks autistic, what you have learned in
the past will help you make the right decision for your family during
those very emotional first few days.
I have been called many times in the last few years by parents in
China worried about their children. I agree that having a support
network to help you through the initial time is essential. Everyone
should go to China with at least one phone number of someone they can
call if they are panicked upon meeting their new child. I remember
feeling so alone when I was handed my daughter and she was so tiny
and limp. Because our foundation often helps with the kids who have
been disrupted, I am aware that sometimes there are children who have
much more serious issues than originally reported..and that is such a
hard thing for a parent to get to China and then discover their child
is truly autistic or has serious mental delays. I think everyone on
both the China and international side would agree that it is
absolutely wrong of an orphanage to not be honest in their reports,
and no one would excuse that, but I also know without a doubt that
the majority of kids who are disrupted are just suffering from
institutional issues and would catch up quickly in a loving home. It
is always a very sad day for the orphanage and everyone involved when
a child that they know is absolutely fine, but perhaps thin and
grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed".
I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to
begin the moment they meet them. The truth is, and everyone must
realize it..a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW in China, and all of
their experiences are shaping who they are. The vast majority of
aunties that I have met in China are such kind and caring people, but
it absolutely is not the same as having a mom and dad at your beck
and call. I have had new parents call and say "we didn't think living
in an orphanage would affect her at all", and those statements truly
puzzle me. How could they not contemplate life in an orphanage?
Walk through Babies R Us and you will see every gadget known to man
to make our children's lives here as ideal as possible. Now Americans
have two way video monitors, so that when baby awakens not only can
mommy see when to immediately rush in and comfort him, but she can
talk to baby so that he doesn't even have one single second where he
feels alone. How many new parents would have a newborn and then put
that baby in a crib 22 hours a day on their own? How many would only
feed their baby, even if they were really crying hard, every 8 hours?
Or prop the bottle in her crib and then not watch to see if she ever
really ate?
Of course no one would do that..we feed newborns on demand, comfort
on demand, love continuously. .and whether people want to recognize it
or not, that is NOT the life of an orphan in an institution. ...even
when the aunties are as good as gold. I remember one night when I
took some volunteers in for the night shift in an orphanage, when
normally just a few aunties are working. One mom looked at me with
tears in her eyes as she slowly realized that it was absolutely
impossible with just two hands to feed every child, to comfort every
child, to soothe every baby who was crying. She said her heart was
aching to realize that her own daughter most likely had many, many
times where she cried without someone to comfort her.....and she told
me that for the first time she finally understood why her daughter
had such a deep seated fear of being out of her mom's sight.
The aunties are trying their absolute best, but that doesn't equal
mother/child care. I remember being in an orphanage in the north this
past winter and the aunties were so proud of how they had 6-8 layers
of clothes and blankets on every baby to keep them warm. They were
swaddled so tight that they couldn't move, but it was freezing in the
orphanage and so the aunties wanted the babies to stay as warm as
possible. What alternative did they have? It really was freezing
there..I was cold in my wool coat, so the babies couldn't be up and
about with just 1-2 layers on, with the ability to move their arms
and legs. To stay warm they had to be immobile, and so of course all
of those kids have weak muscle tone. But the aunties were truly
trying their best, and when a parent is given one of those beautiful
children on adoption day, I am sure they will go back to their room
with concern and say "she can't sit up by herself..she can't put
weight on her legs". That is absolutely the truth, but she also
survived 10 degree weather in a very cold province and she will catch
up soon enough with parents to encourage her.
To not acknowledge that living in orphanage circumstances can cause
lower body weights, low muscle tone, inability to make good eye
contact is very sad to me. Can it be overcome? Most definitely! The
one thing I have learned over and over again about the kids in China
is that they are fighters and survivors. But for some reason, people
seem to want to ignore these issues in public forums.
Recently, one of our medical babies that we had met several times in
person was adopted, and we all knew that this child was a "spitfire".
When the family arrived and spent a few days with her, they decided
she was too much of a handful for them and they wanted to disrupt.
She absolutely was not what they expected. When they called their
agency, they were told they had two choices: adopt the child, bring
her to the US, and change their expectations of what they were hoping
for, or adopt the child, bring her to the US and the agency would
have a family waiting at the airport to adopt her locally. Option
three of leaving the child in China was never once given. I admire
that agency so much, as they were thinking of the child and the child
alone. The family followed through with the adoption and handed the
little girl to a new family upon her arrival in the US. As horrible
and tragic and emotional as it was for everyone involved...I still
feel this was the right decision for the agency to make. It was done
in the absolute best interest of the child, who had waited a long,
long time for a family. I wish more agencies would advocate for the
rights of the child, instead of always seeming to give in to the
parents, especially in those cases when they know with absolute
certainty that nothing is permanently wrong with the child. Recently
with another disruption, the agency I spoke with told me that it
was "easier" to just get the family a new baby.
Sometimes easier does not equal right. The first baby who was
rejected has now been labelled "mentally challenged" even though the
agency knew the child was really going to be okay.
I think all of us, who do realize that delays occur and that babies
can usually overcome them, should be these children's advocates by
continually trying to educate new parents on what to expect in China.
By helping them be better prepared, we just might help stop a
disruption in the future. I love Chinese adoption with my whole
heart, and it is my life's work..but I also want every family who
goes to get their baby to go with their eyes open and to be as
emotionally prepared as possible, for the child's sake.
Amy Eldridge,Love Without Boundaries