I'm exhausted and about to hit rock bottom.
Why you ask? Well, it just hit me full force this morning that my husband and my mother are NOT leaving for China next week. We'll be lucky if they travel at all in June to bring Emi home. I've been crying on and off all morning. I thought I could handle it. I can't. She's within reach and I reach out to touch her and she gets moved a little farther away so I can't. Your life just becomes a state of limbo because you have no idea what is going on. It makes it harder when you see people who are in China now getting their babies. You are happy for them but you can't help but say - That should be me.
I'm mad at myself (the rock bottom) because I bottle things up and then I can't handle it anymore and completely break down. I get completely disappointed in myself that I can't deal until it's the point of no return. I'm like a pack rat, I save up all of my emotions - good and bad and then I turn around and look and am completely overwhelmed and lose it.
Then there's the fact that I'm not really happy living in A.t.l.a.n.t.a. I've been here nearly 6 months and I don't really have any friends to get together with on any regular basis. It doesn't help that I'm a little...ok, a lot envious of this group of bloggers that I follow that are BFF's. They would drop everything for one another and I don't have that. Never really have either. Some of that I can blame on life in the military. The rest I have no explaination for. It is what it is. Still doesn't make it easy to watch people bond quickly and form these type of friendships and wonder what the heck is wrong with you that you can't do the same.
I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for a 3 day R & R. It's time to try a new anti-arrhythmia medicine and I have to be monitored. So I'm going into unfamiliar waters with an unfamiliar staff. I'm afraid the new meds won't work and things will be worse off than they were before. It just bites big time! I don't want to do this at all.
I'm turning the comments off. I'm not having a pity party and don't want to hear people saying hang in there. It's my therapy. My way of getting out all that stuff that I bottled up for so long. And although I don't feel better now, I will. I've been thrown a lot of lemons recently and need to find a way to make some lemonade out of all of it.
